QUESTION ARCHIVES

BODY HATRED
STRESS
STRETCHING
YOGA/PILATES
BREATHING/MEDITATION
TIME MANAGEMENT
FAMILY
RELATIONSHIPS/SEX
HEALTH/FITNESS
EXERCISE
MIND/BODY/SELF DISCOVERY
DIVORCE
STEP PARENTING

BODY HATRED

Q: Should I consider liposuction for my abdominal area if I can’t seem to get my stomach flat?

A: I’m a big opponent of plastic surgery for non-obese fat reduction. Of course, if you have a serious problem that is endangering your health, and your doctor recommends surgery as the only option, that’s another story. However, if it’s just for the sake of vanity, forget it! As far as we’ve come in medical advances, surgery is still an invasion of the body, with all the attendant risks of complications, infection, etc. It’s a rare case that’s worth the risks, hassles, or money. Often, plastic surgery is merely a band-aid, masking the real problem of self- dissatisfaction. It’s another shortcut attempt to find inner happiness through outer means.

One of my favorite women is a fifty-one-year-old named Bonnie. Bonnie is bright, bubbly, has mothered three children and carries herself proudly and assuredly. Bonnie listens to her body; she eats what she craves, hikes on weekends, and plays actively with her children. People are always amazed when she openly tells them what she weighs, because it’s so much more than what you would guess, based on the way she stands, walks and holds her body. Recently when I ran into Bonnie, she shared with me that one of our mutual friends had just "gone under the knife", having a face and eye lift. We both agreed that this woman did not need either. Together, we pondered why she had elective surgery, agreeing that our friend’s issues were more psychological than physical. As we said our good-byes, I watched Bonnie walk away with her trademark confidence, wishing I could bottle some of it for our friend.

Forget the liposuction. There are no shortcuts to loving your body—and yourself—naked.

STRESS

Q: I hate the holidays and always feel fat and depressed during this time of the year. What is the best way to survive the social parties, family expectations and stress?

A: Laure's Top 10 Feel Good Naked Tips for Surviving the Holidays:

1. Purchase one black outfit that you feel comfortable and happy wearing and don’t worry about wearing it often. Black always looks sophisticated and you can change your shoes, jewelry, scarf, coat or bag for diversion.

2. Commit to a soothing 30-minute ritual each day that gives all of your senses a break. Lower the lights and burn an aromatic candle, listen to soothing music or try total silence. Take a warm bath or lie on the floor, but do it alone and stick to it religiously.

3. Drink at least two quarts of noncarbonated water a day. It cleans the toxins from your body, keeps you feeling full, and hydrates you from the inside, giving your skin a youthful glow.

4. Schedule exercise appointments in writing each week. If you don’t write it down, you won’t do it. So each Sunday before the new week begins, pick at least three days and write down what you plan to do for exercise.

5. During the week, take at least two nights off from socializing. Stay home and enjoy a fresh salad with delicious whole grain bread and a refreshing beverage for dinner. Then read a book, watch television or take a hot bath and fall asleep before 11:00 p.m.

6. Do not over spend on gift giving. Gift certificates offer an easy, stress free solution that everyone enjoys receiving.

7. Schedule at least one beauty treatment for yourself before the New Year, i.e., massage, facial, manicure/pedicure.

8. Take a walk each and every day.

9. Do not go out at night hungry! Eat five mini meals each day that consist of healthy, satisfying nutritious ingredients.

10. Decide on your alcoholic drink limit before you start drinking – and stick to it.

Q: What is a quick do-it-yourself remedy for those moments that happen (to all of us) when we’re suddenly feeling defeated, sad, low…and turn to food for comfort?

A: First and foremost, during times of despair, eating mindlessly or binge eating will not help or heal difficult times. Whenever you eat to not feel lonely, defeated, sad, overwhelmed or depressed, it might create momentary numbness, similar to the affects of drinking alcohol, but it doesn’t provide genuine ‘comfort’ or solve the problem(s). More important is the fact that after destructive eating, the emotional trigger that began this cycle, feels worse. Not only will you still feel sad or depressed, but you will also feel bloated and heavier.

The best solution I have found is to face difficult emotions head on. If you need to scream – then scream. If you need to cry – then cry. If you need to express yourself – then express yourself. Although this is not always easy to do, it will help you feel better. If you share your home with others, go into a bathroom, lock the door, run the water and allow yourself to express necessary emotions. Punching pillows (hard) is also a great exercise for releasing painful, pent up feelings.

Taking a warm, aroma infused bath that is surrounded by candles also helps. When the body is immersed in warm water and the lights are either turned off or low, it creates an immediate nourishing sensation, similar to a great hug. Other helpful suggestions are to join a gym that has flexible hours, so you can take yourself to a place that promotes physical health. If you need a good cry, take yourself to a sad movie.

If these suggestions are not easy to incorporate into your busy, hectic life, then at least fill your kitchen with healthy foods. Get rid of snack foods, sodas, ice cream and candy. Instead, surround yourself with fresh fruit, crunchy veggies like celery and carrots that are already cut and ready to eat, yogurt, water with lemon slices, oatmeal and healthy cereals. This will prevent uncontrollable eating from taking a larger toll on your well being.

Finally, it is okay to be mad or sad. Once you learn to embrace and deal with these tough emotions, you won’t be as tempted to eat them away. Facing your emotions directly is much more satisfying than a heavy heart and a stomach full of junk food.

Q: I am seriously depressed and have let all of my healthy habits and goals disappear from my life. I was doing okay in January and had started to power walk for an hour four times per week. Then in February, I was only walking twice a week for a half-hour. By March, I wasn’t power walking at all and by the time the war started, all I’ve been able to do is eat junk food while turning into a major couch potato. Can you possibly help me get back on track?

A: This is such a historically difficult time with nothing but bad news on top of bad news bombarding our televisions, radios and newspapers. Of course you feel depressed, as do most Americans and sadly, we have no way of knowing when or if the terror, hatred or war will dissipate. It is at times like this when we all tend to turn to fatty foods that taste good. There is a reason it’s called ‘comfort food’ and at this point, anything that provides comfort is a welcomed addition.

The problem is that junk food might feel comforting or soothing going down, (think ice cream), however if you’re also living like a couch potato, those empty calories have no where to go except on your thighs, belly or buttock. It is estimated that our culture’s obesity rate will double before the end of the war! Don’t allow yourself to be part of this statistic - then you’ll be waging your own personal war with your body.

Instead, get back to the power walking. If you were able to walk for one hour four times per week in January, then you can accomplish this success again. You know better then anyone else how much better you felt in January when you were exercising on a regular basis. Not only is the power walking a great way to utilize those extra fatty calories, but it’s also a great way to aid your depression. I always advise my clients to analyze how they feel before and after a power walk … over the last twenty years, I’ve never heard anyone say that they didn’t feel better or more clear minded after walking. Walking is a great solution for the blues.

Ultimately I think it’s too much to ask if I were to suggest that you stop eating the junk food in conjunction with returning to your power walking routine; so I’ll simply advise that you start walking again for one hour four times per week.

As for the bingeing, try to remain conscious of how much food you're actually eating each day and stop eating while watching television. We can only achieve success in small doses. Let your personal accomplishment be a walking program that you commit to no matter what. I trust this will help alleviate some of your depression, while also warding off a ten pound gain that is so depressing to deal with in the Spring/Summer when less clothing reveals our Winter habits.

Q: Help! It's back-to-school for my kids and as a mother of two teenage boys, I feel totally overwhelmed. I don't take good care of myself since I feel like I can barely take good care of them. My excuse is that I never feel like I have enough time to do anything well and I only work part-time.

A: Creative and effective Time Management creates a daily structure that ultimately determines a happy or harried life. Time Management skills are essential to put into effect, especially when transitioning out of our summer mode into our back-to-school chaotic pace.

These are my favorite Tips for achieving your best organizational self:

1. Designate every "to-do" with a "when" since a "to-do" without a "when" simply doesn't get done. For every task, ask yourself two questions: How long will this take? When will I do it? Each evening spend 15 quiet minutes checking off what you accomplished. Reschedule unfinished tasks or delete them if you realize they're just not that important.
2. Stop multi-tasking after 5:30 p.m. and focus on only one thing at a time. Multi-tasking does not bring out our best selves. Instead, it leaves us feeling exhausted, ineffective and ultimately - deeply unsatisfied. Dinner is a great time to make this transition and perhaps frozen is more time efficient then fresh.
3. Buy as much as you can on-line, including school supplies. If you prefer going to a retail store, leave the kids behind.
4. Be well stocked for any project including birthday parties and presents.
5. Set aside one morning or night each week to get all of your errands done.
6. Put your school routine into place, i.e., establish a consistent dinner time, bath time and bed time, and stick to it.
7. Get that obnoxious person out of your head at the end of the day!
8. Keep it simple ... when others come for dinner, potluck allows everyone to contribute; when choosing your wardrobe, remember that black is always in style and classic designs are more flattering then trendy looks (especially if you're over 30 years old). No reason to waste a lot of time or money on clothing or food.
9. Start with the most difficult parts of projects, then either the worst is done or you may find you don't have to do all the other small tasks.
10. When you catch yourself procrastinating, ask yourself "what am I avoiding?"
11. Learn to say "NO".
12. Create a daily/weekly/monthly schedule that is customized to work for you, i.e., paper or palm.

STRETCHING

Q: I feel really frustrated with yoga. I have tried several classes and videos and continue to find most of the poses painful and non-relaxing. However, I do love the way my muscles feel when I stretch. Would a stretching program be as effective as yoga for my body and where can I learn more about the benefits of stretching?

A: Undoubtedly, stretching has been the most ignored aspect of the fitness pyramid, largely because most people do not realize that stretching can change your body as effectively as cardiovascular or strength training exercises. The American College of Sports Medicine indicated that people should stretch major muscles groups two to three days per week and that stretching is as important as cardiovascular exercise and strength training. Stretching is intended for people of all ages and physical conditions and is kind to your body.

Stretching benefits include looking taller, thinner and leaner, relieving stress and tension, creating muscle tone, increasing coordination and circulation, and providing that invaluable link between a sedentary life and an active life.

My vote is YES; stretching can be as beneficial for your physical health as yoga. As always, I would start slowly, preferably with the help of an educated instructor or video. I also recommend Bob Anderson’s book, Stretching. His book provides wonderful illustrations of many stretches while also explaining which part of your body you’re benefiting.

For maximum stretching benefits, hold your stretches for a minimum of 30 seconds while breathing and consciously activating your core abdominal muscles (contract your stomach muscles). I also advise stretching while your body is warm.

YOGA/PILATES

Q: What is the difference between Pilates and Yoga?

A: Pilates is an innovative system of mind-body exercise evolved from the principles of Joseph Pilates (adapted from pilates.com).

Yoga is a physical-spiritual practice that typically includes repeated postures, conscious breathing and meditation.

Pilates is commonly taught using a large machine called The Reformer. There are other Pilates machines and there are Pilates floor classes and videos that incorporate the Pilates system without using a Pilates machine. I recommend starting with a private session with a Pilates certified instructor who will teach you how to properly use The Reformer. Once these techniques are mastered, you will be prepared to apply these principles without using The Reformer.

Pilates is known to:
-build strength without "bulking up"
-increase flexibility and agility
-develop optimal core (abdominal) control
-create flat abdominals, slender thighs and a strong back

Yoga does not use machines.
Yoga can be strenuous, calming, challenging and quite rewarding.
Here are descriptions of several different types of Yoga (adapted from yoga.com).
Ananda Yoga: Classes focus on gentle postures intending to move energy up to the brain and prepare the body for meditation. Classes also focus on proper body alignment and controlled breathing.
Ashtanga (or Astanga) Yoga: A fast-paced series of sequential poses that focuses on strength, flexibility, and building heat. Breath, focal point with gazing, and equanimity are also important.
Bikram Yoga: Bikram Choudhury developed this yoga practice which focuses on 26 poses always repeated in the same order. Bikram Yoga studios are heated to approximately 100 degrees Fahrenheit temperature to stimulate the climate in India. Be prepared to sweat. The heat also makes muscles flexible.
Integral Yoga: This traditional type of Yoga combines postures, breathing exercises, selfless service, meditation, chanting, prayer and self-inquiry.
ISHTA: Developed by Mani Finger and popularized by his son Alan. ISHTA focuses on opening energy channels throughout the body with postures, visualizations, and meditation.
Iyengar Yoga: Poses are held for a longer amount of time. This type of Yoga is renowned for its attention to body alignment. Props such as straps, blankets, and wooden blocks are commonly used. Iyengar Yoga creates body awareness, strength and flexibility. People with physical problems have been helped with the prescriptive therapy of BKS Iyengar and his teachers.
Jivamukti-style Yoga: This type of Yoga has Ashtanga roots. It was developed by David Life and Sharon Gannon in 1986. Chanting and breathing exercises are also incorporated in Javamukti classes.
Kali Ray TriYoga: A series of flowing, dance-like movements that was developed by Kali Ray in 1980. This yoga also incorporates pranayama (breathing exercises) and meditation.
Kripalu Yoga: This gentle, introspective practice urges practitioners to hold poses to explore and release emotional and spiritual blockages. Goal-oriented striving is discouraged and precise alignment is not as important as in some other traditions.
Kundalini: This practice concentrates on awakening the energy at the base of the spine and drawing it upward. In addition to postures, a typical class will also include chanting, meditation, and breathing exercises. Kundalini has been helpful to recovering addicts.

BREATHING/MEDITATION

Q: As I look at my goals for the coming year, I realize they are the same exact goals that I have had for the last ten years…to lose weight, get in shape and take better care of myself. Every year for the first two weeks of January, I do exactly that. By February 1st, I am a wreck, not only because I didn’t stick to my New Years resolutions, but because I still feel fat, out of shape and self defeated. How can I avoid the same pitfalls in 2003?

A: Please know that you’re NOT alone with this problem, this is perhaps the most common complaint that I hear between the months of January and March. Nevertheless, I sympathize with your frustrations and I want to help you feel healthy and personally successful in the New Year.

My suggestion is that you meditate each morning for five minutes. If you have never meditated before, these five minutes will feel like hours, however after several weeks of practicing this sacred ritual, you will undoubtedly look forward to this habit and might even choose to meditate longer then five minutes.

What exactly is meditation? It’s really just another term for deep breathing. Breathing deeply and slowly for five minutes each day is one of the most effective ways to receive the full benefits of our amazing respiratory system, while minimizing stress. It is at the heart of relaxation, offering a surprisingly simple option for physical and psychological self-healing.

Besides enhancing our day-to-day health, conscious deep breathing can help us tap into what’s going on inside of us – wants, needs, the small but wise voice that is often drowned out in the noise of everyday life. *To ensure that you are breathing properly, place one hand on your stomach. You should feel your belly expand slightly as you inhale, and contract as you exhale.

Here is the routine I recommend for your five-minute daily meditation ritual:
1. Create a sacred place to meditate. This space should be inviting, nurturing and comfortable.
2. Sit in a comfortable position, eyes closed, hands resting comfortably on your knees, palms turned upward.
3. Shift your focus to each inhale and exhale.
4. With your mouth closed, inhale deeply through your nose, silently repeating a positive phrase such as "I am love." Pull the air in as deeply as possible allowing it to fill your belly. Exhale slowly through your mouth or nose, repeating a different affirmation such as "I am loving." *If mantras or phrases feel awkward to repeat, try counting, i.e., "one, two, three, four (on the inhale), five, six, seven, eight (on the exhale).
5. Your goal is to become mindless during these five minutes, however initially, that can be difficult to achieve. In the meantime, I encourage you to observe the thoughts that enter your consciousness during your meditation.
6. Use your five minutes to experience all sensations, while relaxing into your chosen space. After your five minutes are over, take extra time to enjoy the peace and relaxation. As you slowly stretch and open your eyes, take your calm with you.

Conscious, meditative breathing can bring calm to chaos, peace to anxiety, insight to confusion. In addition, this practiced ritual can teach you:
-How to take action in the presence of fear (I will commit to a workout schedule and stick to it).
-How to renew your daily goals (I will take better care of myself).
-How to balance and trust your instincts and choices (do I really need to lose weight and if the answer is yes, I will take action and make healthier choices).
-How to manage doubt and insecurity (I will stop beating myself up for what I don’t do and instead commit to self-care and personal power).

I trust that this five-minute daily meditation will break your cycle of self-defeat, while offering you a calming method for setting and achieving your goals, creating new habits and becoming your personal best.

TIME MANAGEMENT

Q: In trying to juggle the demands of marriage, career, and children, how can I possibly find time for myself?

A: Women's stress levels have never been higher. It is impossible to manage a relationship, a career, and parenting responsibilities equally well at all times. Give yourself a mental break as often as possible. Delegate tasks to others. Ask neighbors and friends for favors. Realize that if you take a personal day from work, it will all still be there tomorrow.

Insist on taking quiet, alone time for yourself each and every day. If you can't find 30 minutes, find 20, or 10 or even five. The act of taking even the smallest break for yourself is as important as the break itself.

If you don't take care of everyone else, they'll figure it out. You deserve a break and the only one who can give it to you is you!

Q: How can I get myself to stick with the commitments I make to improve my body?

A: Make them as easy to incorporate into your life as possible. If you know that changing clothes and driving to a gym will become a drag, make your exercise choices something simple you can do in any clothes, inside your home. If you know you’ll forget to drink water, buy a plastic sport bottle and keep it always with you. If 30 minutes of private time seven days a week seems too daunting, make it only five days a week and leave your weekends open.

Q: Since graduating from college I have steadily gained weight, while failing every weight loss opportunity along the way. Whenever I have attempted to start a health/fitness program something always came up: a new job, pregnancy, moving. It just seems that the timing is never right. My schedule is crazy. I am the mother of three busy children, I work fulltime and in my spare time I assist my self-employed husband with his business. When is the best time to begin a new program in order to be successful?

A: Right NOW is the best time, but first, you must relinquish some of the responsibilities you mentioned (you give a whole new definition to the idea of multi tasking…whew…I felt compassion for you as I read your list.)

Being a mother to one child, let alone three is a demanding job that is both consuming and draining. Since you mentioned working fulltime, I’m assuming your children are either in childcare or in school during the day. Many of my clients whom are in similar situations have mentioned feeling guilty about being away from their children during the day, thus over compensating at night, i.e., cooking, cleaning, reading, helping with homework, bathing and preparing your children for the next day. If this is true, it is essential to ask for help in the evenings so you can create personal time for yourself. Perhaps your husband, relative or neighbor could step in to assist with your evening chores so you’re not responsible for everyone or everything.

I also want to suggest that your husband find someone else to assist him with his business responsibilities. Your time is limited enough; in fact, you need more time for yourself, not less.

It will be hard to ask for this time, however it is essential for your health needs. You deserve to fill up your energy tanks and to do this effectively; you must schedule private time for yourself in writing each week. Because you want to loose weight, fill these scheduled appintments with aerobic exercise. Start with three times per week and allow yourself a full hour and a half for each personal appointment. Take a walk outside or on a treadmill; make sure you have supportive shoes and drink lots of water. After you walk, learn how to stretch properly while enjoying the quiet of your body. Reward yourself afterwards with a nice hot shower. Finish your ritual by applying a fragrant lotion to your body. Each time you smell the fragrance, let it remind you of the importance of taking care of YOU.

I trust you will be successful if you plan, commit and stick to three fitness appointments with yourself each week!

FAMILY

Q: I am a woman in her mid life (45 years old), I have three children and I’m a stay at home mom. My problem is that I feel so old and unattractive. When my husband returns home from work each day I feel utterly exhausted, incapable of even the simplest conversations. I have very little interest in sex and I fear that my ‘joy of life’ is slowly evaporating. How can I get my energy up and have more fun?

A: Being a stay at home mom can be quite challenging and debilitating at times, especially when your children are your main source of communication and stimulation. Why don’t you start a weekly meeting with other stay at home mom’s that could include getting together for group activities. Similar to an investment group or a book club, your group could meet once a week and each week a different mother plans the activity for the group. This would allow you the opportunity to get together with other adults and children during the day.

I am always amazed at how six children can be easier to manage than two can, since the more children there are, the more creative and self-motivated children tend to be. As well, you would then have the opportunity to converse with other mothers about fulltime mom burn out.

One of the hardest parts about being a fulltime mother is that the job doesn’t include a dead line or an end. As a result, you must take mini breaks from the job each and every week. Ask a relative or a neighbor to help you out so that you can take a breather from the job…grocery shopping does not count as a break. A break means scheduling selfish time for just you and no one else.

It is helpful to schedule these breaks at least three times per week with a minimum of three hours per break. Think of these breaks as time to restore your mental and physical well being. Allow this time to include exercise, meditation, silence and solitude. It is amazing how these personal time outs can restore sanity while ultimately fueling your energy for your marriage and your roll as a mother.

Most important is not to feel guilty that your sexual desire has all but evaporated, of course it has. When you take care of children all day, the last thing you feel like doing at the end of the day is giving out even more of yourself. Hopefully if you schedule personal time each and every week, your libido and energy for life will return. And since it can be politically incorrect to language the horrific obstacles of parenting, allow me to say that parenting is a tough job with a relentless cycle of demands and tasks that offer little pleasure when you’re doing it alone each and everyday. Take stock in the fact that in order to be a good mother you must refuel your own engine which deserves and needs the care that you readily offer your children. Mother yourself for at least 10 hours per week and let me know if this adds energy and joy back into your life.

Q: I feel overwhelmed by many of the other mothers I constantly interface with at my daughters school. For the most part they are thinner, drive nicer cars, are more organized with their parenting responsibilities and just seem happier then I have felt in years. I feel like a kid myself, harboring resentment and jealousy towards them while feeling suffocated by both emotions. What can I possibly do to feel like I belong in 'their' world?

A: To be more compassionate towards yourself is to respond to your thoughts and feelings as a friend might. Your thoughts, which you so bravely owned, can turn every gathering, conversation or friendship into a stressful competition. Comparative mind set is a setup for failure. When you constantly compare and contrast yourself with others, you become your own worst enemy.

Ask yourself if:
-you criticize everyone and believe everyone is criticizing you
-you get depressed and irritable when someone else succeeds
-you never feel good enough
-you don't feel loved or loving
-you don't know what your opinion is until you hear what others think
-meeting a successful person makes you feel anxious rather than honored

If you answered "YES" to any of these questions, here's how to turn a comparative mind set into a self-responsible, loving mind set:
1. Write down: what you are grateful for (even if all you can come up with is your clear complexion), five of the most beautiful sights you've ever seen and the five most joyful memories of your life. Allow these thoughts to percolate throughout the day, catching each negative mind set with an appreciation of what is or has worked in your life.
2. Fess up to your failures. Get together with someone you trust and admit out loud your greatest failures in life. This exercise takes your thoughts from inside of yourself, allowing the past to be put behind you, not in front of you.
3. Give someone a heartfelt, genuine compliment.
4. Remember that it is your personal approach that creates the climate and your daily mood that makes the weather.
5. You possess the power to make your life miserable or joyful, use this power wisely and once and for all, decide to think about and treat others as you wish to be thought of and treated.

RELATIONSHIPS/SEX

Q: I have had many years of therapy, tried every conceivable diet, I meditate, pray and practice positive affirmations regularly. I have had my own successful business for almost 20 years and I’m well traveled. The problem is that I can’t seem to find "the one". I am a forty-year-old woman who has never been married and the older I get, the more depressed this makes me. Please advise.

A: First and foremost, give up the notion that you need to be with someone in order to be happy. The key to happiness is to be the best you can be whether you are alone or in a relationship. Perhaps you need a new hobby or a new workout routine. Join a cooking class or a yoga class or learn how to speak a new language. I would also suggest that you strive to read a new book each month. In fact, why not start a reading group that meets once a month. Or you could start an investment group or how about starting a walking group that meets early in the mornings to walk together for an hour. The options are endless. If you keep yourself interesting, the rest will follow.

Try to remember that humans are similar to animals and if you are seeking to find "the one", you’re probably giving out that scent which is a real turnoff. Men can smell an eager woman from a mile away and nothing makes them run faster in the opposite direction. On the other hand, if you continue to expand your personal horizons while taking great care of yourself, others will be naturally attracted to you. Better yet, if you act uninterested in meeting a partner, don’t be surprised if suitors appear. Men are notorious for being attracted to women who are unavailable.

Q: My question is about self-esteem. My boyfriend constantly checks out other women when we’re together, especially now that it is Summer time and women tend to wear less clothing. It makes me crazy when he does this and causes me to question myself. Ultimately I never feel pretty enough. What can I do?

A: First and foremost, you must not hand over your personal power to another person. The fact that your boyfriend looks at other women while he is with you is very rude and should be talked about immediately. Communicate to him that his actions feel hurtful. If he still continues to look at other women, he’s not a thoughtful person and you’re probably better off without him.

Whether or not this relationship survives is secondary. Most important is that you learn to build your individual self-esteem. Sit in silence for 10 minutes each morning before your day kicks into high gear and silently repeat "I am strong" (on the inhale) "I am enough" (on the exhale). Allow yourself to think about the true meaning of these repeated phrases, relaxing into each breath. Compare how you feel before and after this ritual.

Add cardiovascular activity into your life, which will give you more physical assurance. And try something that you’ve always wanted to do but have never allowed time for, like cooking classes or golf lessons, Pilates or yoga.

Self-esteem is similar to muscle strength. In order to make muscles stronger, you lift weights; in order to live a life directed by self-assurance, you must add personal power rituals into your daily practice.

Q: I used to feel (for the most part) motivated to strive to live my best life, but since turning fifty, I have lost that bravado and feel utterly unmotivated to exercise, eat right or to self pamper. What can I do to inspire vivre in my life again?

A: I hear this complaint often from women, usually after their children have grown up and they are faced with themselves as their #1 priority, which can feel foreign after taking care of children and never having time to think about your own needs. This can be a great time in a woman's life once she shifts gears and learns how to become more self motivated. Here are my 7 Steps for creating a more self motivated life, while also boosting your daily energy and learning how to enjoy life more fully.

1. Practice positive thinking. Put a rubber band around your wrist and every time you think a self defeating thought, snap the rubber band as a reminder to stop self put downs.
2. Stop obsessing about your mistakes. What's done is done, move on, begin again. Learn from your human errors instead of being controlled by them.
3.Take two risks each day. Whether you eat a new food, try a new sport, take a dance class or speak your truth - risks keep you feeling alive and inspired. Rethinking your daily routine diminishes boredom and fatigue.
4. Stop comparing yourself to others, especially those whom you regard as more successful. Voice your feelings of jealousy to a trusted friend so your feelings can be in check before spiraling out of control.
5. Bring your fitness home. From Pilate's to weight training, tune into the best new fitness DVD's.
6. Eat a healthy breakfast. When you start the day eating smart, it helps you eat healthier throughout the day. A natural burst of energy can be derived from eating a healthy diet that includes all of the food groups.
7. Simplify your life. Simplicity fosters energy and vitality.

I trust if you incorporate these steps into your life, you will experience a renewed interest and love for your life.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and
a black lace bra ...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
One friend who always makes her laugh ...
And one who lets her cry ...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family ...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
Eight matching plates,
wine glasses with stems, and
a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored ...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
A feeling of control over her destiny ...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...
How to fall in love without losing herself ...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...
How to quit a job,
break up with a lover, and
confront a friend without ruining the friendship ...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...
When to try harder ... and ...
when to walk away ...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...
That she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or
the nature of her parents ...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...
That her childhood may not have been perfect ...
BUT: IT'S OVER ...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...
What she would and wouldn't do for love
or
money ...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...
How to live alone ...
Even if she doesn't like it ...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...
Whom she can trust,
whom she can't, and
why she shouldn't take it personally ...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...
Where to go when her soul needs soothing:
whether to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods ...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ...
What she can and can't accomplish in a day,
a month, and
a year ...

HEALTH/FITNESS

Q: Is it possible to get rid of cellulite?

A: According to the American Dietetic Association's Complete Food & Nutrition Guide, "cellulite is simply normal body fat under the skin that looks lumpy when the fat layer gets thick, allowing connective, fibrous-looking tissue that holds fat in place to show." In other words, cellulite is just a fancy word for fat. Because the structure of fat cells differs between genders, women are more prone to these lumpy fat deposits than men. What's more, some women are more susceptible to cellulite than other women, due to factors such as age and genetics.

What can you do about it? The best remedy is exercise, which increases the amount of fat your body burns and therefore reduces fat deposits. Exercise is also a wonderful way to firm muscles, smoothing the appearance of cellulite-prone areas. Take a daily walk and learn how to properly perform forward and backward lunges. Sign up for a toning class at your local gym. Activate your body whenever you have the opportunity, i.e. take stairs instead of escalators or elevators, park in the far end of the parking lot, walk instead of driving, play with your children, etc. Also, drink plenty of water each day. This helps the skin from the inside out.

It's also a good idea to look at your fat intake, although without exercise, cutting back on fatty foods alone won't necessarily rid your body of cellulite. Read the Nutritional Facts that accompany all foods. Try sticking with my favorite formula - no more than 3 grams of fat per 100 calories. Notice the amount of high-fat foods you currently eat. Make up your mind to choose low-or no-fat versions if they are available. For example:

-skim milk or 1% milk instead of whole milk
-low-fat or baked snacks instead of fried snacks
-non-fat yogurt instead of regular yogurt
-low-fat salad dressings, sauces and condiments
-sorbet instead of ice cream
-fat-free cottage or cream cheese instead of regular cheese
-non-fat yogurt instead of sour cream

Take a look at your grandmother, mother, and other female relatives to see what your genetic predisposition to cellulite looks like.

By the way, forget body creams or potions that claim to rid your body of cellulite! While a number of recent studies have investigated the effectiveness of "thigh creams" in ridding the body of cellulite, none have shown any significant degree of success.

Q: Will a low-carbohydrate diet help me lose weight?

A: In today’s confusing nutritional world, this is a common question. Years ago we were told to "carbo load." Today, we are told that carbohydrates make us fat!

But in their book Fad-Free Nutrition, health experts Dr. Frederick Stare and Elizabeth Whelan explain, "Any diet that deviates from sound nutrition principles should be viewed with suspicion….They may advocate no fat or no carbohydrates…All such diets are useless, and many are health hazards."

They go on to say, "You cannot achieve permanent weight control until you learn how to handle, in moderation, all of the foods that make up a nutritionally balanced diet." That means some carbohydrates, some dairy and protein, some fat, and lots of fruits and vegetables.

One of my rules when grocery shopping is to always buy fresh. The fresher a food, the higher its vitamin and nutrient content, especially fruits and vegetables. Go to the grocery store and open your eyes to what is in season. If peaches are in season, buy peaches. If halibut is the freshest fish of the day, buy halibut.

Stay away from nutritionally empty foods, such as sodas, chips, crackers, and candies. These foods will make you fat while providing no nutritional value. Splurging once in a while is fine, but for sound health—and the surest way to long-lasting weight control—eat balanced meals, eat what is fresh, and eat
with awareness.

Q: I’m doing everything right – eating better and exercising. Why can’t I lose weight?

A: Every body has a set point weight - a weight at which your body runs most comfortably. This is a weight that your body will always naturally gravitate to. If your set point is at a weight that feels too heavy, it will require extra effort to lose more. That can mean adding to your exercise time, and eating not only healthier but perhaps less.

Be brutally honest about your true intake of calories. Are you counting the leftovers on your child’s plate that you can’t stand to see go to waste? Are you counting the appetizers you snack on before dinner? Do you know how many calories are in that delicious calzone you have twice a week for lunch at your favorite restaurant? To get past a weight plateau you have to eat consciously and with awareness.

Consider that even though your set point weight may not be model perfect, it may be the best weight for you. As long as you’re fit and healthy, ask yourself if your expectations are simply unrealistic for your body.

Remember, Marilyn Monroe was a size 14.

Q: I am so glad that I discovered your website through Oprah's magazine! I feel so liberated knowing that I don't have to spend my hard-earned cash going to Weight Watchers meetings and facing failure week after week. I am following their principles of portion control and healthy eating--now all I have to do is to get back into exercising. Fast approaching 50--any advice/ideas for the silver age set?

A: First, let me say that the healthy eating/portion control aspects of Weight Watchers are my favorite parts of their program and are helpful tools for teaching people how to eat thoughtfully, especially as age and slower metabolisms become a reality.

As for my exercise suggestions – take a walk every day. If you can’t find time to walk every day, then at least make a commitment (written) to walk three times per week. Walking is my favorite type of cardiovascular exercise and it is safe on your joints and ligaments and doesn’t require a great amount of effort. All you need is a good pair of walking shoes, a bottle of water and comfortable clothes.

I also recommend that you stretch your muscles thoroughly after each walk. A great book for learning how to correctly stretch is Stretching by Bob Anderson.

The most important advice that I have, whether you’re 50, 40, 30, 60 or 70 years of age, is to keep it simple. Don’t try to do too much or you’ll set yourself up for failure. Instead, simply watch your food portions, drink lots of water, and strive to take a walk each day while stretching afterwards.

This is a great fitness/health formula that anyone can successfully accomplish at any age.

Q: I’m a single woman who lives in a large city. I never enjoy cooking dinner for one and my job requires me to take clients out to lunch quite often. As a result, I eat most of my meals in restaurants. Even though it seems quite fashionable these days to be on a diet, I refuse to follow an eating lifestyle with dietary restrictions, since I believe in eating from all of the food groups. However, as I approach forty, I can feel my metabolism changing and I’m aware that I can’t eat the amounts of food I once did without gaining weight. I was hoping you might have some clever restaurant tips for staying lean?

A: Here are my favorite tips, especially if like me, you’re bored with grilled chicken and salad:

Get it your way
-Ask the chef not to brush your food with butter.
-Ask for your pizza to be prepared with less cheese than usual.
-Order half the meat and double the vegetables in your stir-fry.
-Ask for the dressing, sauces, and butters "on the side" so you can "dip and stab" as you please.
-Order bean soup rather than refried beans.

Forget Your Manners
-Trim the skin and any visible fat off poultry or meat.
-Scrape off the breading and drain the excess sauce.
-Pat the pizza with a paper napkin to soak up excess oil.

Control Your Portions
-Order a la carte to get just what you want
-Ask for luncheon or appetizer portions – even if it’s not on the menu.
-Take one slice of bread and give the basket back to the server.
-Ask for a doggie bag when ordering dinner and immediately box half your meal.
-To eliminate the temptation to keep nibbling when you’ve had enough, ask the server to remove your plate.

Make Leaner Substitutions
-Order fresh fruit juice instead of soda.
-Ask for egg whites in your omelet.
-Instead of prime rib, order the filet mignon (without the sauce).
-Request pasta with tomato sauce instead of cream – or ask for half the cream sauce.
-Instead of a full meal, order salad and a shrimp cocktail.

For more healthy meal ideas, go to www.dininglean.com.

Q: I'm freaking out about my body! It's summer time and I can't wear any of the clothes that I wore last year because I've gained 20 pounds. I'm tempted to try diet pills or Slim Fast or one of these lose weight fast remedies. Please give me your opinion.

A: Slow and steady weight loss is long-term weight loss. While it's tempting to try to shed the pounds in a matter of days or weeks, losing weight too quickly can be self-defeating. When you lose too fast, you often end up rebounding to a weight that is higher than when you started the diet. Why is this? Rapid weight loss can lead to a loss of lean muscle mass in addition to fat. When you lose muscle, you decrease your metabolic rate (how many calories you burn while you sleep). A decrease in metabolic rate can make it harder to lose the pounds you gain when you occasionally fall off the diet wagon. When you put the weight back on, you'll be tempted to find another quick diet fix- a phenomenon called yo-yo dieting. Yo-yo dieters have a hard time keeping the weight off. Remember, it takes time to put weight on, therefore it's not going to disappear overnight nor do you want it to.

Instead of trying to wear clothes that are too tight, pick up a few outfits that comfortably fit your body today and give your skinny clothes away. One of the greatest deterrents for long term healthy weight loss is being psyched out by your skinny clothes. Another pitfall is to weigh yourself each day. Forget both of these destructive habits and instead, decide to eat a healthy, well balanced diet without unhealthy snacking and make sure you take a daily walk for at least forty five minutes in duration. Don't forget to also drink lots and lots of water. These habits are the ones to focus on for long term weight loss success.

Q: The truth is I have never, ever gotten through any holiday season without a major weight gain. In fact now that I am in my 50's, I have not been able to regain the body I had before the holiday season's of my 40's. I feel depressed and defeated and really - all I want for Christmas is my waistline. HELP!

A: This is without a doubt the most common complaint I hear during this time of the year. Please remember that every choice is your own. It's time to regain your power, strength and control so that by January 2nd, you feel not only empowered, but happier.

Here are the steps I want you to follow right away: 1.Go into the holiday season with either a 'weight-gain' or 'weight-loss' plan. Either choose to enjoy going crazy, knowing you'll have to lose 5-10 pounds after January 2nd; or decide to go a little less crazy and plan on dropping 2-3 pounds by January. If you can't bear the thought of having to diet, commit to being strict with your food choices. But remember - it's YOUR choice.
2. Don't give up your workout routine because of your hectic holiday schedule. Exercise is one of the best ways to relieve stress.
3. Plan holiday get-together's that incorporate fitness, such as sledding parties or snowball fights if you're near a snowy climate, or golf or long walks if you're in a non-snowy environment. One of my favorite tips is to take an evening walk after dinner with your spouse, roommate or neighbor. Even if it's dark outside, you can still walk in places that are well lit or better yet, bring a flashlight and make your night walk adventurous.
4. To remain motivated towards a healthy holiday lifestyle, keep an outfit in full view that you want to be able to fit into by March 1st. Hang that bathing suit or sundress on your bathroom hook.
5. It's not just the holiday extra's that make us fat, but additionally, the food related thoughts that consume us. The brain can single handedly shape, sustain and/or sabotage our eating patterns. Trying to change your behavior without changing how you view food can create a lethal, self-destructive outcome. This is the main reason that people typically gain weight after attempting to follow a diet.
6. Only eat dessert if you have room left in your daily calorie budget. Think hard about which events truly warrant a slice of cheesecake. No matter how many special events you have in a week, your over-all calorie budget should remain the same. If celebratory eating is your weakness, it might be smarter to decide how many times a week you can truly afford to have dessert, regardless of the occasion. Don't forget that wine, champagne, beer, Eggnog and Bailey's Irish Cream are similar to dessert calories.
7. If you know that chocolate chip cookies will trigger uncontrollable cravings, which have caused you to binge in the past - stay away from these trigger foods. If you know you can't stop at one or two cookies, then STEP AWAY from the cookie platter at the party.
8. Don't ever attend a party hungry even if it's just a cocktail party. Always eat something filling and healthy before departure.
9. Brush your teeth, even take a toothbrush with you in your purse since everything tastes bad after brushing.

Q: I am a very fit woman (aerobics teacher) with an unfit, over-weight 12 year old daughter. I cannot understand why she doesn’t choose a healthier lifestyle since she is constantly exposed to healthy examples. She doesn’t seem to care that she’s well…fat, but I do. In fact, I’m actually embarrassed by her appearance. What can I do to influence her to exercise, eat healthier, and to take a greater interest in her appearance?

A: This is such a difficult issue since your daughter’s defiance might be her rebellion against your lifestyle. It is probably difficult for your daughter, who is experiencing the many challenges and changes of a pubescent body, to measure herself against your super fit body. Since she probably feels like a visual failure in your eyes, it causes her to rebel against your choices and habits, deliberately rejecting your healthy lifestyle. Welcome to the world of a rebellious teen…

I think you should try backing off, not letting on your disappointment or disgust about her choices or her appearance. In fact, it might work in your favor and hers if you could act unaffected when she eats poorly or chooses not to exercise. Instead, give her the impression that you’ve decided to trust her choices without judgement. If she could feel your compassion and support, she might not feel as motivated to be the opposite of you.

It would also be beneficial to find a healthy female mentor for your daughter who could influence her to be active and eat consciously, but who could do so in a cool way that would appeal to your daughter.

Finally, I would compliment your daughter on things that she does well that have nothing to do with her appearance, i.e., her kindness, out going personality, clean room, homework success, etc. This will enhance her self worth, giving her a sense of personal accomplishment.

I highly recommend that you read the book Raising Ophelia – Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls – by Mary Pipher. Her book will give you additional tools for building your daughters self-esteem.

EXERCISE

Q: If I commit to an exercise routine when can I expect to see results?

A: Ever heard the phrase "individual results may vary"? There’s a reason for it, namely that everyone’s body responds differently to increased physical activity. Key variables are the body’s condition when you start the program and the intricacies of your body’s metabolism. It is vital to understand that you might not see real results on your body for three to six weeks.

This is the hard part – you must find a way to stay motivated until you see visual changes. Once the payback starts – in the form of muscle definition, increased stamina, and weight loss – it becomes your incentive to stick with your program. Trust me, these changes will happen, and they’ll be a powerful motivator! Until then, here’s my three – point survival plan:

1. Write down your workout schedule each Sunday for the upcoming week. If it’s on paper, you’ll take it more seriously.

2. Schedule workouts with a neighbor, friend, or co-worker, to ensure that someone is depending on you to show up. You’ll be less likely to cancel your sessions.

3. Cut out a photo of someone whose body or posture you admire, and whose body type is similar to yours. Tape it to your bathroom mirror for personal motivation.

Q: How can I make time for exercise when I work during the day, therefore I do not want to wake up any earlier, and after work I take care of a toddler who gets restless after 15 minutes of walking?

A: The first step is to write down your workout schedule each Sunday for the upcoming week, which ensures that the time you designate for your health is planned and recorded. Begin by organizing three fitness appointments per week for yourself. If it’s on paper, you’ll take it more seriously. Your fitness appointments should not be combined with your parenting responsibilities. In order to show up for these exercise commitments, you might need to wake up earlier then you would prefer a few mornings during the week.

If you can afford childcare, you might also consider scheduling workouts with a neighbor, friend, or co-worker, to ensure that someone is depending on you to show up. You’ll be less likely to cancel your sessions.

Finally, if you purchase home fitness equipment or motivating workout videos, you could exercise after your toddler goes to sleep at night or during naptime on the weekends. Make sure to purchase high-quality equipment so that your investment stands the test of time—kids, husbands, etc. I also recommend that if you’re going to purchase equipment, make it an aerobic, total-body workout such as a motorized treadmill with incline features, cross-country ski machine, rowing machine, stair climber with handles for upper body work, etc., as opposed to a gimmicky spot-reducer.

Home fitness equipment can help you overcome motivation-busters such as bad weather, scheduling problems, and the hassles of driving to and from the gym. With home fitness equipment, you can utilize a sudden windfall of free time. Its there waiting for you, 24 hours a day, rain or shine.

Q: Is it realistic to think that I can really change my body?

A: You cannot change your body type or frame, i.e. small upper body/big hips, big breasts/big hips, large back/no hips, etc. However, you can certainly change your body within the parameters of its basic frame. We all have the potential to have healthy bodies. The key for real change is to effectively incorporate the components of fitness into your daily life:
A. cardiovascular activity
B. resistance training
C. stretching/flexibility

It can be helpful to remember that everyone’s body changes at a different pace. Some bodies change faster than others. It can be quite frustrating when no visible changes are recognized. However, remain consistent with your routine and changes will eventually occur. I did not see results in my arms for two years after adding free weights to my gym routines. However, once the changes began to appear, they continued for months. I realized that for my body, the arms were a place I carried extra body fat, thus they took the longest to respond to my workouts. Don’t give up! Real changes take real time.

Q: I would love, before I leave this earth, to have breasts that stand full, healthy and attractive. Is there any way to lift them up without having breast implants?

A: Before I discuss the possibilities for developing a firmer, stronger and more lifted chest, let me first say how passionately I disagree with the idea of breast augmentation for aesthetic purposes. Certainly I support women who choose breast surgery for medical purposes or who require breast reduction, however far too many women choose breast implants with hopes of ‘looking better’. I don’t think implants look better and according to the men I have interviewed, they don’t either. Implants look like implants, they don’t look like real breasts and that is not sexy. The scars that are caused from surgically inserting implants never fully disappear and to the touch, implants feel like a hard ball of wax. Again, NOT sexy, pretty or wise. To endure the medical expense, invasion and potential medical emergencies of having breast implants seems to be a high price to pay for not necessarily enhancing your appearance.

Now for the good news: With exercise, you can strengthen your pectoral (chest), deltoid (shoulder) bicep (front of the arm) and tricep (back of the arm) muscles, which will give your breasts a lifted, less sagging appearance. Additionally, when you strengthen your rhomboid, trapezius and latissimus dorsi (back) muscles, your chest muscles will benefit, appearing lifted and pert.

There are several ways to enhance your upper body, my two favorite methods are:
-weight training
-push-ups

Proper weight training requires the guidance and advice of a certified personal trainer. This could be the perfect gift for your New Year. Do not worry about bulking up. Many women fear that weight training will develop bigger muscles, however this is a false concern. Proper weight training is a wonderful way to develop leaner muscles while expediting your metabolism. However, it is essential to learn how to weight train both correctly and safely.

Push-ups are a wonderful exercise to add into your daily life and they can be done practically anywhere.
Here’s how to perform the basic push-up:
-Assume the standard push-up position either on your toes or on a padded surface on your knees.
-Keep your arms slightly outside of shoulder-width.
-Keep your body perfectly parallel to the ground.
-Bend your elbows and slowly lower yourself until your chest (lightly) touches the ground.
-Immediately push yourself slowly back up to the starting position.
*When lowering your body to the ground, do NOT rest your chest on the ground.
*Always check with your physician before starting an exercise program.

I complete between 15-30 push-ups five times a week. Start slowly and only do as many as your body can comfortably and safely perform.

Within a few weeks of working these muscles, your body will start to change. When your muscles feel firmer, you will notice that everyday chores will be easier since you’ll be stronger and more flexible. In addition, your metabolism will eventually increase as you replace fat with muscle and most important, you will experience an increase in your energy. Finally, as your chest, shoulder, arm and back muscles become stronger, your breasts will appear lifted and firmer. Always stand up straight and tall, which will also give your chest a lifted, healthy and attractive appearance.

Q: I have been taking a cycle Reebok spin class at the YMCA about three times a week for the last six weeks. Although I feel great, I am SO red in the face when it’s over. It takes about two hours before my face returns to a normal color. I know that I have Rosacea (a chronic inflammatory skin disorder), but I wondered if you thought this might be something else?

A: Recurrent facial flushing and/or blushing is believed to be one of the major factors of Rosacea, which affects an estimated 13 million Americans. Anything that triggers a facial flush or blush (an increase in blood flow though the facial blood vessels) can induce and worsen Rosacea symptoms for several hours at a time. Potential triggers can be either internal or external. Common internal triggers include stress, anxiety, strong emotions (both happiness and sadness), hormone-related conditions (i.e., menstrual, menopausal and disease mediated), and exercise-induced overheating. External triggers include sun, wind, hot and cold environments, vasodilator medications, physical irritation from facial rubbing or friction, and use of irritating acne products, sunscreens, cosmetics or skin care products.

Although I don’t have Rosacea, I too get very red in the face after cardiovascular exercise. As a result, I always splash my face (twenty times) with cool water after exercising before applying a cooling moisturizer. For more information about comfort creams and other soothing products, call Blissout #888-243-8825 and ask them to send you a catalog of their beauty products.

Most important, keep on exercising!

Q: I was sexually abused as a child and have been in therapy for the last ten years dealing with the traumatic side effects of this abuse. One problem I continue to face as a result of this experience is the fear of exercising in public places, such as a health club or an outdoor park. I am eager to overcome this fear and wondered if you had any advice?

A: First let me say how sorry I am that you were violated in this awful way. I have great respect for your courage and perseverance in wanting to overcome such a difficult experience.

As I have traveled around the world and talked to thousands of women, one of the most amazing realizations has been hearing how women have endured and survived all sorts of emotional hardships. For what its worth, please know that you’re not alone and that others like yourself have suffered and prevailed just as you will.

The key to overcoming your fear of exercising in public places is to exercise in public places. I would choose a fitness facility or a dance studio that has a respectful approach towards their clientele, while promoting a non-competitive environment. There are many fitness centers that are for women only. These facilities tend to promote well being and tend to have a less aggressive approach towards fitness and exercise. Most of these places promote trial memberships where you are allowed to sample the health club for a week before signing up for a lengthier commitment. I think a trial week would be a great way for you to determine whether or not you feel comfortable in your surroundings.

My hunch is that once you find the right place, you will eventually feel empowered and nurtured by this community of people and will enjoy experiencing health and wellness in this public environment. It’s similar to picking a good therapist – sometimes you have to try several health clubs before you find the one that’s right for you.

I trust that once you find an indoor environment that feels safe and comforting, you will then be better prepared to try exercising outdoors. I would ask a trusted friend to go with you until you gain the confidence to go alone. Or better yet, adopt a dog that could accompany you on these outdoor excursions.

MIND/BODY/SELF DISCOVERY

Q: As the holidays are fast approaching, what is the single simplest, most effective thing I can do to enhance my appearance?

A: Stand up straight and tall!
This is an old New Orleans secret that is more powerful than you can imagine. If you practice what self-confidence looks like, you will begin to know what it feels like. My maternal grandmother always told me to stand up straight, pull in my stomach, and smile. She was right.

Try it while you’re sitting at your desk, standing in line, or walking through the grocery aisles. The response you will get is incredibly fulfilling.

Good posture will instantaneously make you look 10 pounds thinner. It’s also a great way to strengthen and empower your abdominal and back muscles.

If you want to see what great posture looks like, watch a dancer walking down the street or notice the way a performer walks up to a stage to accept an award. Now imitate that example as you present your physical self to the world.

Q: I am extremely overweight, but lead an active life. Our culture views me as a lazy, unhealthy person, while assuming I am a compulsive eater. What do you think, can someone be overweight and healthy?

A: To be overweight and healthy involves eating balanced meals while also incorporating daily exercise into your life. When these two aspects of a person’s life are in balance, rarely is she/he extremely overweight. First, I would consult with your physician to determine whether or not your extra weight is a medical problem or a genetic predisposition. Assuming it is neither, I would encourage you to take a close and honest look at your relationship to food. The best way to do this is to write down in a private journal everything that you eat. This includes all snacks, even if it’s a handful of jellybeans from your child’s Easter basket. Once you record each and every morsel you swallow, you will be able to determine your emotional relationship with food, noticing when you eat junk food instead of healthy meals. When you eat five healthy mini meals each day, your body and mind will feel satisfied and fulfilled, eliminating the need to mindlessly snack on empty foods or junk foods.

Many of my clients are emotional eaters who use food to not feel psychologically or emotionally bankrupt. Food, like alcohol, is a powerful drug for numbing out difficult feelings. Unfortunately, emotional eating won’t make problems disappear, nor will it heal the hurtful emotions that provoke the compulsion to eat unconsciously. In fact, emotional eating ultimately inflicts more damage and negativity into your body and mind, causing you to feel worse, not better! The best solution is to deal directly with these emotional triggers through psychotherapy or other self-help avenues.

Equally important for living a healthy life is to incorporate aerobic exercise regularly into your life. If feeling better is your goal, you can engage in as little as ten minutes of cardiovascular activity per day. If weight loss is your goal, it is important to exercise aerobically for at least forty minutes without stopping, four times per week, building up to a full sixty minutes. Walking is my favorite way to accomplish an hour of uninterrupted exercise.

Finally, forget what anyone else thinks about how you look. It is only important to ask yourself how you feel about the way you look. Our culture has such a warped, negative view of the female form that it is a waste of energy and time to measure yourself against such unrealistic scrutiny.

Q: How can I make myself drink water. I am capable of going all day without drinking any water. In fact if I feel thirsty, I tend to grab a Coke. Does the body really know the difference?

A: The body absolutely knows the difference between soft drinks/pop and water. In fact, check out these factoids for additional reasons for switching from Coke to water.

WATER:
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. The greatest way to end dehydration is to drink a minimum of 8 glasses of water each day.
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even mild dehydration slows down one’s metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water shuts down nighttime hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
5. Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory trouble with basic math and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 8 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45% plus it can also slash the risk of breast cancer by 79% and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

COKE:
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries 2 gallons of coke in their car to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and the steak will disintegrate in two days.
3. To clean a lavatory, pour a can of Coke into the lavatory bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers, rub the bumper with a crumpled piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coke.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals, pour a can of Coke over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt, apply a cloth soaked in Coke to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To remove grease from clothes, empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent and run through a regular cleaning cycle. The Coke will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
*The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH level is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also bleaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
What do you think...Coke or water?

Q: Since bringing in the new year I have been feeling depressed and out of sorts. It's not a weight issue for me, but more of a spiritual issue. I feel like I need a new lease on my life or at the very least, a new attitude. Do you have any advice?

A: Just yesterday I received one of those e-mail's from a good friend in New York City instructing me to read the enclosed message from the Dalai Lama and then forward it to all of my friends for good luck. Usually I delete this sort of mail, however after reading his advice, it felt useful to share with my web community. I hope his reflections will offer you a more optimistic approach to your life, while also reminding you of the things we tend to easily forget.

Here are the Dalai Lama's instructions for life in the new year:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love, cooking and dancing with reckless abandon.

Q: I elected to have a face lift as my 50th birthday gift to myself. The sad truth is: I hate the way my face now looks and it freaks me out when I look in the mirror and don't see the familiarity of my own face. I wish so badly I could take back my old face, even with all of the crows feet and lines that formed over the years of my fully lived life, but I can't. How can I help others not to make this crucial mistake?

A: First, let me commend you for your honesty and courage to speak out on behalf of your own experience with plastic surgery. In today's culture we have become so accustomed to hearing the plastic surgery "how to's" for thwarting the process of time. In fact a client of mine who is in her mid 40's recently shared with me that she has no interest in having plastic surgery, but because so many women elect to have procedures done, she feels her peers are leaving her behind changing the age of 50 into the new visual 30.

She expressed how liberating it would be if collectively as women, we agreed not to have surgery, but instead we would all agree to celebrate the wisdom and freedom of ageing while dancing towards each new decade with increased passion and vivre, not stretched skin and eyes that don't reflect our experiences.

After our session, she emailed me a wonderful piece that reflected her thoughts more deeply. I share this piece with you in hopes that you might be able to pass it on to others who you fear might be contemplating plastic surgery. I too will continue passing along the non surgical message to others and maybe together, we will reverse several women's decisions to go ahead with surgery. As well, I encourage you to share your personal regret about your own surgery with as many women as possible. Your honesty could make the difference in her choices.

Woman to Woman
Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Someone's house will be bigger.
They will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
Their husband will fix more things around the house. LET IT GO.
Let all of these insecurities go and instead:
Love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have turmoil in her heart.
The most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children.
The richest woman you know may have the car, the house, the clothes...but she might be lonely.
Love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say: "I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed."
"Winners make things happen. Losers let things happen."
Be blessed to be the woman you are and your life will prosper.

Q: Help! It's only mid December and I've already gained 8 pounds. I've been going out a lot and when I put on a pair of pants tonight for yet another holiday party, they did not fit. Please offer me some advice that won't dampen the fun factor of holiday gatherings, but will stop me from gaining more weight.

A: Here are my 7 favorite secrets for avoiding weight gain during the holiday season:

1. Ask yourself what you really want and then make it happen. Many people forget their own needs and wants during the holidays. This year, write down your healthy goals and wants for yourself and then commit to making them happen. Eating better while exercising more are great choices to incorporate into your life RIGHT NOW.

2. Each week on Sunday, create a food plan that works for the coming week. Sit down and write out what you'll be eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner each day. Then create a shopping list, go to the grocery and stock up on all of your healthy meal choices. Then chop up healthy raw vegetables and fruits to keep in Tupperware containers in your refrigerator throughout the week so that when hunger strikes, you're prepared and ready to snack consciously.

3. If you can't control what time you'll be eating dinner because you're attending a social event, eat a low fat bowl of soup in the late afternoon to abate hunger.

4. Don't romanticize the holiday season or create an unhealthy fantasy about this time of the year. This type of thinking promotes fattening, unhealthy food choices. Yes, you can splurge on Thanksgiving and Christmas day, but that's it, the fantasy ends the next morning when you go outside to take a power walk for an hour to repent your splurging ways. Otherwise, every other day during the holiday season should be like any other.

5. Don't use the excuse of shopping as a reason for not exercising. Buy all of your gifts online or through catalogs and then you can spend the time you would have spent at the mall working out instead.

6. Take a walk each and every day no matter what the weather conditions are. Decide to walk each day at the same time so the routine takes on a consistency that you look forward to and one that you prioritize in your busy schedule.

7. Throw away or give away all fattening homemade gifts. Don't convince yourself that you can eat just a little bit of this or that; you can't. In fact, don't even taste the fruit that tempts, get rid of it as quickly as you receive it.

*Over eating and under exercising are the #1 reasons that most people gain between 5-10 pounds between Halloween and New Years Day. However, if you plan ahead and create your own healthy holiday survival plan, not only will you avoid gaining weight, you will also have a head start for living your healthiest life before it's time for new years resolutions. As well, if you implement these 7 secrets into your life immediately, I trust you will lose the 8 pounds you've already gained.

Q: I made it to mid January without declaring a New Years resolution. The reason I decided not to have one this year is because I am so exhausted by failure. Every single year for the last twenty five, I have declared that I would lose weight as my commitment to myself - New Year, New Me. But it doesn't happen, or it does and then I gain it all back plus some. What I want to know is how I can attempt to be a happier person and at the same time, a healthier woman. Do you have any advice that doesn't just center around the body, but the whole person?

A: I love the honesty of this question and I also appreciate how familiar this theme is for so many people. When we set ourselves up with a resolution mind set, it's frankly too much pressure for anyone to successfully achieve, much like the diet mind set. Also, who has ever felt happy following a New Year/New You regimen?

I love the goal of happiness instead of weight loss and yet because so many Americans struggle with their weight, I do believe that to be really happy, one must tend to their physical needs, as well as their mental and spiritual well being.

Here are my 7 Shortcuts to Bliss:

1. Instead of joining a gym, decide to "move your butt" at each and every opportunity you have throughout the day. Go up and down stairs whenever possible, not just once, but three times or more. This is feasible at the mall, in a parking lot or in your own home if you have stairs - be creative. Walk throughout the day and make it fun. If you drive to the store to get your groceries, park a few blocks away and walk from the grocery to your car, allowing the bags to act as arm weights. Each week, increase the distance between your car and the store. For someone who is sedentary, these sorts of changes can shed 5 pounds in two weeks or less and you'll be amazed at how "up" you feel participating in physical outlets that aren't conventional.

2. Instead of giving up wine or chocolate, which puts even the most motivated person in a bad mood - eat chocolate - in moderation, choosing dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate. And enjoy wine, but with meals and only one glass, two at the most.

3. Always fantasized about taking an art class, yoga, dance lessons or joining a cooking school? NOW is the time to sign up, register and get involved in your favorite creative outlet.

4. Write down your most unhealthy habits and how these choices make you feel. Then write down your healthiest habits and how these make you feel. Look at your list and substitute one healthy habit for a bad habit each week.

5. Keep a daily journal recording what you eat, feel and experience emotionally on a daily basis. At the end of each day, write down one thing you're grateful for. This type of journaling affects your mind set positively; eventually shifting depression oriented thoughts into take-charge feelings.

6. Be honest about how you choose to live each day and decide to live differently. Depression is commonly associated with recurrent behavior that doesn't serve the individual. Decide to make your life flow and change - not drastically, but with little, consistent shifts one day at a time. This will enable you to take small steps that lead to big changes in the way you think and feel.

7. Eat three meals each day that do NOT include any processed foods and never allow yourself to eat while standing up or watching TV. Once you allow yourself three satisfying meals each day, there is no need for snacking. Snacking makes you fat and leads to bad moods.

I just returned from Edmonton, Canada where I was honored to be the keynote speaker at their annual Eating Disorder Conference (go to: www.edeo.org). The keynote address was on Friday evening, 10/28/05 and on Sunday, 10/30/05, I had another valuable opportunity to speak to a group of women about how to: Put Yourself First And Not Feel Guilty. Following are the 8 points I shared at this memorable gathering.

1. Stop obsessing about your mistakes. What's done is done - move on - begin again. Learn from your errors instead of being controlled by them. A life built around past mistakes is a life that is directed by fear.
2. In order to put yourself first you must stop comparing yourself to others.
3. Simplify, simplify, simplify. Simplicity fosters energy and vitality.
4. Live in the moment. When you live in the past or future, it becomes utterly impossible to embrace the moment you're actually living in. When you constantly think ahead or backwards, you miss out on some of the most joyous experiences. It is only after living in the moment that you can experience true joy/bliss.
5. Always fantasized about taking an art class, a cooking class, a writing class, a tango class or a yoga class - well NOW is the time. Do it - sign up - register and make it a reality not another passing fantasy. Involving yourself in a creative outlet of this sort reminds you of your importance.
6. Keep a daily journal recording what you eat, feel and experience emotionally on a daily basis. At the end of each day write down one thing you're grateful for in your journal. It can be as simple as a short line at the grocery store or as heartfelt as your dog's affections. Write it down. This type of journaling shifts a depression oriented thought process into a take-charge attitude.
7. Eat three meals each day that don't include processed foods and never allow yourself to eat standing up or while watching TV. Three satisfying meals + healthy non processed satisfying snacks = a happier, more content YOU.
8. Practice positive thinking. Put a rubber band around your wrist and every time you catch yourself speaking negative self talk, snap it lightly to remind yourself to STOP self defeating thoughts.

Q: I am an over-whelmed, over-worked, under-paid, over-weight woman in her mid forties. I have not taken good care of myself for over twenty years. Am I hopeless?

A: Nobody is truly hopeless. Anyone at anytime can take control of their choices. This won't necessarily be easy, but it is always possible. And it will get easier after two weeks.

Here are my 12 suggestions for taking care of yourself:
1. Learn to air your feelings, even if they're not pretty. Share your frustrations and disappointments with someone you trust. Remember, expressed feelings are changed feelings.
2. Avoid comparing yourself with others. This kind of envy causes self hatred. Put no one's head higher then your own.
3. Form a small group of people you can call on for emotional support. Agree to be there for each other. Offer advice only when it's asked for. Listen without interrupting. Take turns talking and listening.
4. Take time to play.
5. Don't forget to laugh, especially at yourself. Do something silly and totally unexpected from time to time.
6. Learn to relax. You can find books, tapes, programs, classes, instructors and other materials to teach you how to relax. Relaxation improves the mind, helps the body heal and feels so much better than stress and tension.
7. Protect your right to be human. Don't let others put you on a pedestal.
8. Learn to say no.
9. Change jobs if you are miserable at work. Remember that most jobs have some unpleasant aspects.
10. Stretch your muscles. Break a sweat. Go for a walk. Ride a bike. Park farther away from your destination. Take the stairs. You don't need fancy clothes, club memberships or expensive equipment to add exercise to your daily life.
11. Practice being a positive, encouraging person. Each time you give others a word of encouragement you not only feel better, but you build up your best self.
12. Pay attention to your spiritual life. Slow down. Practice sitting quietly. Listen to your inner voice. Spend time thinking about the things which bring peace, beauty and serenity to your life. Find the courage to follow your own spiritual path if a traditional religion has not been helpful for you.

DIVORCE

Q: In the last five years of my marriage I have gained 60 lbs. When my husband left me, he told me it was because of my weight. I don’t want my husband back, but I do want to get back on track and lose the weight. Where do I begin?

A: The first step is to acknowledge that you want to get back on track. The next step is to take action, incorporating healthy habits into your daily life. There are two main categories to consider:
1 – your diet
2 – your exercise habits
I advise you to consult with a nutritionist in order to learn how to eat nutritiously balanced meals. Forget diets! They don’t work and they damage your metabolism.

In addition to eating a balanced diet, you need to also add aerobic exercise into your life. The fourth Feel Good Naked step includes scheduling your exercise appointments in writing each week before your new week begins. If you don’t write it down, you won’t do it. It’s that simple. So each Sunday before the new week begins, pick at least three days and write down what you plan to do for exercise. Commit to this schedule as you would to a business meeting or a baby’s feeding – it’s every bit as important.

Walking is my favorite way to start exercising after gaining a lot of weight and being inactive. Always check with your physician before starting an exercise program. Make sure you have a good pair of walking shoes and that you carry water.

I am proud of you for deciding to get back on track and I trust that my Feel Good Naked program will support your process. Good luck! Keep in touch and please let me know about your progress.

Q: My ex husband recently married a woman who I feel totally threatened by. I never considered myself the insecure type until ‘she’ entered the picture. My three children spend time in both households and they’re always telling me stories about how great she is. I’m actually thinner than she, so I know this isn’t a body issue, however I’m certain it’s a self-esteem issue. Help!

A: This is a problem that many women face today as the birth rate continues to soar as fast and furiously as the divorce rate. It’s hard enough to dissolve a marriage, not to mention the stress of putting children through the many challenging stages of their birth parents splitting up. But to add a third party into the mix, one who is the same sex as you and who is successfully married to the man that you couldn’t stay married to, while happily raising your children, is a lot to endure.

Although I empathize with your situation, my goal is to help you reclaim your personal power while hoping to teach you how not to become the perpetual victim. If you are like other women in this situation who suffer from low self esteem, you are probably playing manipulative games with your children in an effort to secure the #1 position in their hearts. This is not a good idea and if you are doing this, you should stop immediately.

Children deserve the freedom of loving all of their parents (including steps) with as much or as little abundance as they choose (notice I said they not you). And in a healthy situation, you would want your children to love all of their parents equally, after all that’s a great situation for the child. It’s always helpful to view the situation from a ‘what would the children honestly benefit from’ point of view. And really, why be threatened; you already have an important position in your children’s lives. It is highly likely that they will have a similar attachment to their stepmother as they do to you, their birth mother. So what. In other words, the children have two mothers and you get to be one of them…a blessing in your life. Stop leading your life from a place of fear and anxiety. That is the life of a victim. Victims do not live happy, fulfilling lives!

Here’s the real deal:
Your marriage with your ex didn’t work out for better or worse, yet you were given the gift of children through that relationship. Focus on the fact that you were blessed to be given this opportunity and try to make decisions about what’s best for the children from a place of empowerment, not from a revengeful point of view.

Begin a self-esteem makeover plan where your main objective is to make yourself more interesting to you. Get involved in new creative outlets, like yoga, Pilate’s, a walking club, a cooking class, an art class, volunteer work, the list is infinite… or learn how to meditate and devote five minutes a day to this sacred ritual.

Because you are aware of your condition – low self esteem – you are half way there. Now you must develop rituals that enhance your personal development and self-discipline. My book, Feel Good Naked, will provide you with 10 simple steps that you can begin incorporating into your life immediately. The rewards you will get from living this type of life make the work required to getting there completely worthwhile. Good luck and please keep me posted.

STEP PARENTING

Q: I am worried that my 12-year-old stepdaughter might be developing an eating disorder. She never seems to enjoy eating meals and never allows herself dessert. Her birth mother is excessively thin and is always on a new diet. How can I prevent her birth mother’s habits from influencing her behavior and how can I tell if she’s got an eating disorder?

A: First of all, if your stepdaughter never enjoys eating meals or desserts, this behavior is indicative of an eating disorder, especially at the young age of 12. A 12 year old needs lots of food to encourage a healthy growth cycle and it is imperative that she learns to eat nutritious, well balanced meals and snacks in order to prepare for puberty.

Second, I would highly recommend sending her to a family therapist who specializes in diagnosing and helping children with eating disorders. Sometimes it is easier for a child to converse with a therapist about emotional issues instead of a parent, especially if she lives in two different homes with two very different mothers. However I would also encourage you to pick a comfortable time when the two of you could share a confidential conversation where you ask her if something is wrong saying that you’ve noticed she isn’t eating enough food.

Third, if her birth mother is a perpetual dieter, this is perhaps the greatest detriment since her daughter will be influenced by her choices and will probably grow up feeling like it’s bad to eat full meals. Dieting is such a horrible and unhealthy legacy to pass on. Thankfully she has your influences to counter balance her birth mothers habits.

Finally, go to her computer to track which websites she frequents. Unfortunately there are many websites that are dedicated to portraying starvation as sexy and anorexia as cool. Oprah devoted one of her recent shows to this terrifying topic and discussed a device that parents can install into their children’s computers that allows the parents to access the sites their children visit. Inquire at your neighborhood computer store.

Also, go to your local bookstore to search and read books on this topic. My favorites are Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, Ph.D., Wasted by Marya Hornbacher and Losing It by Laura Frasher.


Prior to the 2004 presidential election I posted this thought worthy essay.

IN PRAISE OF UNRULY WOMEN
By Arianna Huffington

Teresa Heinz Kerry is a breath of fresh air, so why are the media choking on it? Almost every story about her these days includes at least one snarky remark - usually attacking her for her refusal to endlessly regurgitate the same preapproved talking points.

According to the chattering class, Heinz Kerry is - and I quote - "too outspoken," "too opinionated," "slightly zany," "eccentric and unpredictable," "the queen of direct" and - cover your ears, kids - "says what she thinks, when she thinks it." In other words, she's an unconventional straight shooter. The horror!

(Reporters also seem to have a big problem with her hair, which has variously been described as "unkempt," "unruly," "humidity-frizzed," "voluminous" and "expensively colored a rich auburn" - but that's follicle fodder for another column.)

Even Maureen Dowd, no slouch herself in the independent-thinking department, felt compelled to write not one but two columns in the course of 10 days slamming Teresa for, among other things, being "flaky."

You gotta love this about our media mavens: They are constantly bemoaning the lack of forthrightness in our public figures - the vast majority of whom wouldn't know a straight answer if it bit them in the butt. But when they are finally presented with someone who doesn't (pardon the expression) beat around the bush, they start sharpening the long knives.

They're like a bunch of little kids who have gotten so used to being fed nothing but vanilla ice cream for dessert that a serving of Rocky Road with some sprinkles on top leaves them sputtering and crying,

"Yuck!"

Most of the American public, on the other hand, possess a far more developed and discerning palate - and can appreciate more complex and piquant flavors.

And when it comes to spicing up the political dessert tray, Teresa Heinz Kerry is one of the most flavorful and compelling public figures to hit the national stage in decades.

When I first met her in Washington in 1980, she was a very popular Republican wife, with views very similar to the ones she holds today.

Now she's a Democratic wife, a philanthropist who oversees a foundation that gives tens of millions to causes like the environment,healthcare and early education, a loving mother, grandmother and stepmother. She grew up in Mozambique, went to college in South Africa where she marched against apartheid, is fluent in five languages, and learned so much about medicine from her oncologist father that friends and family have nicknamed her "Dr. T."
And unlike most politicians, she has a natural gift for intimacy and interacts with campaign crowds of 5,000 as if she were sitting around chatting with a small group of friends.

Yes, she is indeed unabashedly open with her opinions on everything from the war in Iraq ("I would never have gone to war this way") to George Bush ("fazed by complexity") to Botox treatments (she's had them).

But isn't that what we claim to want from those in public life? Or are we comfortable with authenticity only when it's a contrivance manufactured to appear authentic?

"I am the product of living in dictatorships," Teresa has said. "It makes you cherish the ability to be yourself, to have feelings and to speak them when asked. People say I'm blunt. I say, 'No, just honest.'"

It's this honesty that has led the media to brand her with the scarlet O for offbeat - a caricature given national credence by a Newsweek cover that trumpeted: "Is John Kerry's Heiress Wife a Loose Cannon or Crazy Like a Fox?" It was character assassination by headline - especially since the cover line was not in any way reflective of the story inside, which painted Heinz Kerry as warm, smart, alive, funny, and, yes, brutally honest.

It's hard to imagine that headline - which was, incidentally, written by a man - being used to describe a man. As Marlo Thomas once said: "A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless. All a woman has to do is put you on hold."

We may have come a long way, baby, but there is no doubt that there is still a double standard when it comes to women in politics - especially political wives - who are supposed to be smart but not so smart that they're threatening, and strong but not so strong that they are intimidating.

It's a high-wire tightrope act, one that's almost impossible to pull off to the political media's satisfaction. And this at a time when girl power is blossoming in other parts of our culture, especially
sports and entertainment. Last month's Olympic Trials featured women going faster, higher, stronger than ever before. And our movie screens are filled with indomitable, determined women like "Kill Bill's" Beatrix Kiddo or Keira Knightley's kick-ass Guinevere in the new "King Arthur."

But try to apply these attributes to politics and the media start acting like it's 1958 - they suddenly don't know how to handle smart, accomplished, complex women. Judy Dean wasn't glamorous or supportive enough, Hillary was too smart and too strong, and Teresa is too loose-lipped and too unpredictable.

So it really isn't much of a surprise that the political wife the media seem most comfortable with is Laura Bush, who has chosen to take on the image of the perfect 1950s sitcom housewife. She's the Harriet Nelson of first ladies, the quintessential deferential spouse, praised by her husband for not "trying to butt in and always, you know, compete" and lauded by the media for her ability "to balance strength and subservience." I guess I missed the moment
where subservience became a virtue.

When Laura Bush was asked what advice she'd given her twin daughters before sending them out this summer to campaign for their father, she replied: "Stand up straight and keep your hair out of your eyes." Words to live by - if you're Marabel Morgan. Somehow I don't think those are the same words of wisdom Teresa Heinz Kerry passed on to her stepdaughters before they hit the hustings.

Out on the campaign trail, Teresa is given to in-depth discussions about health care and global warming. Laura tends to say things like: "I'm not privy to the policy disputes. I'm not over there at the table where everyone is actually formulating specific policy."

Heaven forbid.

"We need to honor women in all their complexity," Teresa Heinz Kerry told me. "It's time that we acknowledge the wisdom women have acquired by managing the chaos of daily life. Women are realists, the glue that holds society together. They bring a reverence to life that's instinctual, not just intellectual."

Thirty-eight million women didn't vote in 2000, many of them because they were so disgusted with our inauthentic politics-as-usual. If even a small percentage of them turn out this November, they could very well end up deciding the election and the direction of the country.

So I propose that we turn on its ear the traditional good-old-boy political litmus test - which candidate would you rather have a beer with? Instead, let's ask the women of America: which candidate's wife would you rather have a cup of coffee with?